I'm so heartbroken.

I wrote this a few days ago.

This hurts. Really bad. Leaving America, my American life, my American family and my American friends is the worst thing I've ever had to do. I was expecting it to be hard but not this hard. My brain and heart is still in America. I feel American, not Norwegian. I feel like I don't belong here. I'm so heartbroken. I've never felt like this before and I don't know what to do to feel better. The only thing I can think of is jumping on the next plane back to Smyrna, my home. Of course it was really good seeing my friends and family again when I got back to Norway. But it's so weird. Cause everything is the same. It feels like Norway has been paused for 10 months while I've been living this whole other life on the other side of the world and I've grown so much. It doesn't make sense to me at all. Nothing makes sense. I don't know what to do but laying in my bed crying. I just wanna go a few weeks or months back in time. Or just a year ahead, cause that's when I'm going back to my home. But I know that no matter what it will never be the same. And it breaks my heart thinking that all of this, all of the fun times and the awesome memories are over. I was living my dream for 10 months and then suddenly one day it was all over. I have to learn how to live as a Norwegian again. I'm American now and I feel like I don't really fit in anymore. I know that it will get better. But it will take some time and it's gonna be hard in the beginning. A part of me will always be in Smyrna and a part of me will always be American. This is the year I grew, I changed and I found myself. Letting it go to start living my Norwegian life is really hard and I don't know how to do it. I haven't even unpacked cause that makes it more real. I'm still living in the American time zone; sleeping all day and staying up all night so that I can talk to my American family and friends. That's the only thing that helps. But it kind of hurts too. People keeps telling me I have to stay strong but I don't know how I can stay strong in this situation. All I can say is that this sucks. I feel so lost and alone. 


It is going to be awkward...

"It is going to be awkward when we aren?t the foreign kid anymore when we go home, nor will they care about us being exchange students. For a month they might comment on it but our awesome stories will be forgotten to them, we will fade in with the others at school. Family gatherings might bring it up or the curious? teacher, but our eventful life will be forgotten, except to us. The way we live from the day we return is influenced by our host country, with our self esteem boosted, confidence amazing, humor worldly, and all barriers broken. They may not see it but we will always be exchange students, kids who actually grew up and saw the world."

This is so sad and so scary.

My French baby and I. Exchange students.